I think I can, I think I can…

I made a terrrrible mistake. Believe me when I say it was awful. I got up in the middle of the night and ate (GASP) a bowl of cereal …wait there’s more…..

with dairy milk.

I know, I know…I am so close to being done. Four days in fact.  I was hungry–past hungry and I gave in. To being hungry, tired and frustrated. Believe me I paid for it. (Still am, actually)

Being tired, hungry and frustrated aren’t excuses for my behavior. But they are facts. And I can’t ignore them.  What I can do is explore how I got to that point.

For one it was the middle of the night and I was restless, for some reason I couldn’t sleep. I literally tossed and turned for three hours, thinking about how hungry I was. I think I was so restless because I have taken so much time away from exercise. That was my body’s way of saying-“I’m over this laziness, put me back to work!” Here I was thinking I was doing the right thing for my body, by taking some downtime to rest an injured part…I think instead I need to find a workaround.

So why was I hungry…It starts with piss poor planning. So far that has been the biggest theme to my whole 30. My inability to plan meals for myself. Honestly that’s something my wife does. And she’s good (REALLY GOOD) at it. Since she’s not doing this with me, she hasn’t really been planning [my] meals. She’s helped, but this has been my thing. And I have learned that I have a lot to learn. I don’t really know what I am doing and well, at the root of it all–I am lazy. As I have said before–routine is comfortable, but routine gets boring. The Whole 30 and Paleo, in general, is not something one should do with a mentality bent towards routine. Anyway, why was I was hungry-simply stated, I didn’t plan well enough and therefore didn’t eat enough for dinner. it was late when I got home and was too lazy to make something plan approved, so I went to bed thinking I’d be ok. Ergo-routine and laziness got the better of me.

Annnnnd frustration. Well it was three in the morning. I was frustrated. I’m not sure I have much more to say here.

So where did I land this morning? I still don’t have a gameplan for meals today so I thought about throwing in the towel. Seriously.

But, I’m still at it. I’m going to finish this. And I’ll have learned some very valuable lessons along the way. And I going to go buy the well fed2.  At the end of the day Paleo works for me. I honestly feel better eating this way. I just have to figure out how to work with Paleo. Being busy is no excuse. And I need to get my butt back to the box.

 

a departure…

For the record I have 8 days left on the Whole 30. Single digits, people. But I am not here to discuss that today.

Right now there’s a popular trend going around on the book of faces, where you are given a number and with that number you list facts about yourself that few people know. One of my facts was this, posted at # 9: “I am terrified of retiring; I have no idea how to be anything other than a Soldier.”

Some folks balked at that statement, assuring me that they know, that I know, how to be more…but I’m not so sure of that.

You see, this is something that I have been struggling with for sometime. For years actually. It’s true that I am educated and I have a career and a skillset, yet I consistently struggle with determining my passion. What is that I was born to do? What is it that ignites me and pushes me to keep going?

I was reading an article (http://shaunaniequist.com/mother-taught/) and that article spoke directly to that end. Particularly this passage, “Sometimes I meet women who are so passionate they’re about to jump out of their skin. They want to get their hands really dirty and dive neck deep into something that keeps them up at night. They don’t know what to do. They don’t know how to move forward, so they’re vibrating with pent-up passion turning rapidly to frustration.”

I KNOW that feeling. I LIVE  that feeling daily. I have so much passion pent up inside that I quite literally vibrate somedays, but I have NO IDEA what that passion is. I don’t know what it’s for or where to direct it. Or where it’s trying to direct me. It’s so overwhelming at times that it wears me down. Down to a point that I don’t know which end is up.

I guess the take away here is this:

“And this is what’s so hopeful: even if you still don’t know what you were made to do. If you’re just now discovering your passions and gifts, in your thirties, in your forties, in your seventies: there’s still time. There is still time enough, and more than enough to be done. My mom began in her forties. She is thoroughly alive in her sixties. There is enough time. The best is yet to come.”

I’ll keep reading and discovering and uncovering until one I find it. Or it finds me.

Losing track

So, here I am day 20 of the Whole 30. When I started this plan, I intended to blog everyday. But doing so made me feel a little crazy. Writing about my experience everyday made me feel like it wasn’t something that I was integrating into my life. It kept my frustrations at the forefront and I wasn’t able to simply recognize them and let them go. So I took a little break from blogging.

Anyway, here we are. The update goes like this:

I’ve done OK for the most part. I’m still falling into the “same ol’ routine” rut. Basically I just eat the same things over and over. Some kind of meat (either grilled, baked, or pan fried) and roasted or fresh veggies. I have made a few recipes like the one from Balancing Paleo (http://balancingpaleo.com/2013/10/18/leek-and-cauli-squash-soup/). Man that was delish! I am going to try cooking with recipes over the next 10 days so that I can finish strong.

I do have something to admit though…I wavered. I had 3 oz of wine after my college graduation this past week. I know, I know…that’s a no-no on the W30. But after careful consideration, I decided not to start all over. Starting over would have been a deal breaker for me. Instead, I woke up the next day and continued the W30…I feel a little guilty for not being strict, but I am trying to let that go.

I have also taken some time off of Crossfit. I hurt my knee awhile back and was hoping it would heal over time. Instead it’s gotten worse-it’s likely a meniscal tear. Doc says I can continue to exercise but wear a brace. I have a physical fitness test (for work) coming up, I figured it’s best to layoff until after my test.

In short this past week has been about recognizing boundaries and forgiveness. It may sound silly to some folks–that I boil this all down to food choices. But really it starts there for me. One bad choice leads to a series of progressively worse choices. Before you know it, I have stopped exercising altogether and gained 25lbs. Then I end up angry and depressed because I blame myself for not respecting my body and my body’s needs.  It’s best that I start here on a clean slate with fresh perspective. Here’s to being better!

22 days and counting

I was putzing around and came across this link http://www.whole9life.com/2013/08/revised-timeline/

It’s pretty accurate as I recall and it explains why I feel the way I feel each day. I’m on day 8. My pants are supposed to be tighter…I give that a rating of “annh, so so.”

Moving on..

Food is so much more than sustenance and fuel for my body. A lot of times eating is a completely emotional response for me.

That’s not necessarily a negative thing, not always. I don’t see a problem with celebrating with a good meal or a good glass of wine. I think the important part, at least for me, comes in the recognition and thereby the acceptance of the emotion. Eating to cover up a problem is where I get into trouble.

I eat when I am bored and sad and happy. It’s hard to even tell when I am hungry anymore.  I am hoping to change that with the Whole 30. I definitely know when I am hungry now! Especially after I work out, no question!

I guess you could say I am doing this to learn more about me and what drives me to do the things that I do. It seems there’s a lot of that in my life right now.

Something else I am working on is my involvment with a group called Leadership Austin. The “mission” of the group is the ‘development of core leadership skills in an effort to address critical community issues, and foster relationships that help facilitate positive, collaborative change in our community.’ I joined because I want to learn about different styles of leadership, primarily outside of the scope of the military. And I want to understand more about the community I live in.

I am learning a great deal about myself in this process, not all of it is clear yet and that is ok with me. I think for the first time in my life I don’t need to have the answers right in front of me. I am really, really enjoying the journey.

There are big things happening all around me, and I am so excited about where they all lead.

W30, day 7

Shew. I made it through the first week. I had to work though the weekend and I think that made finishing up this week a little bit easier.

I am definitely past hating all of the things. Hooray.

Tonight was especially delightful. Meg and I went over to our good friends’ home and had dinner: Steak, roasted root veggies, salad and dessert. I had berries and coconut cream; they had ice cream.

So far I am learning that this really isn’t hard. It feels hard and It is a little challenging but as with anything in life, it’s really mind over matter.  What I find really amusing is other people’s reactions to the explanation of the W30. “I could never do that, I love ____(insert favorite food or beverage) too much.” But that’s kind of the whole point of the process for me. Breaking away from my mental and physical food addictions. I learn something new every time I break a habit. 🙂

I think I may move away from posting solely about the Whole 30 everyday. I have a few other topics I’d like to explore….Let’s see how that goes, shall we?

woooo oo oo oo staying alive, staying alive

It’s day five y’all.

And my sugar addiction is still going strong. I didn’t have any break down moments like yesterday. But I didn’t feel as strong as I did the first couple of days.

After work I went by the grocery store and picked up some provisions for dinner tonight and lunch for the next two days.

I’ll bet you are wondering what’s on the menu…

I made paleo sloppy joes with cauli-mash and fresh spinach.

I started with some ground turkey and I mixed it with ketchup that I made myself.

The ketchup’s base was plain tomato paste and blended whole tomatoes (from a can). I added red wine vinegar, garlic powder, onion powder, course salt, smoked paprika, nutmeg and cinnamon. All to taste of course.It was tasty, filling and a change from the past four days. All in all, I’d call that a win!

Oh, I also had a coconut milkshake with strawberries and a banana. It was a nice treat and a good way to end the week.

 

W30 day 4, Fright Night

I survived Halloween without eating any candy, SUCCESS! And today’s episode of hating all of the things wasn’t quite as severe, SUCCESS #2!

Buuuuuut. (There’s always a but)

There was a period of time, about midday to early afternoon where I wanted to throw in the towel of this whole thing and say screw it, but I drank some water and got over myself. Here I am; I completed another day of the Whole 30.

Reflecting over the past 48 hours and going even further back to the beginning of this week–I think I recognize why I am having these stumbling blocks. I thought I was prepared for this episode of the Whole 30, as it turns out–not so much.

As a matter of speaking I am a creature of habit. Most of the time I follow the same routine and am comfortable eating the same foods day in and day out. After 16 years in the military, routine hasn’t failed me yet. What I failed to realize is without prepping and giving myself extra room for “clean, comfort food”, I further limited myself to an already strict group of what some consider, bland foods. Like plain hard-boiled eggs, sausage, chicken, avocado and raw veggies for 4 days in a row.

I know the W30 is so much more than that. Meg and I found some of our favorite recipes after doing it last year. It is a fun plan to follow and the food can be exciting–I am just being lazy and as usual, predictable. My laziness is sabotaging me. So for next week, I need to make a better plan. Better snacks and recipes with more flavor!

And for anyone keeping up, I didn’t work out today. I haven’t decided if I want to move to four days a week yet. Slow and steady wins the race they say.